Forcing myself

Sitting here, my large white towel wrapped around my body, and my slightly smaller (but far too heavy) turquoise towel wrapped around my head and hair, feeling the skin on my face in that dry and tight post shower phase, I blink away the doubt.

What doubt you ask? Hmm...everything? When was the last time I wrote here? I don't even know. I think it was just after the love of my life left the country for three months. Life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs since then, as always. I stare out my window, just behind my desk, through the trees, and onto the blue skies and puffy clouds that are peeking through, leaving my imagination to put together the rest of the photo that is beyond my line of sight - that beautiful lake and the mountains that surround on all sides.

I am forcing myself to write in this moment. It has been too long since I wrote something to the public, except for my most recent Toastmasters speech. Which brings to me why I am here. I have found myself to be exceptionally lazy recently. I have not been reading books. I have not been writing - not even for the blog I am supposed to be taking over for the Tahoe Regional Young Professionals! What is wrong with me? Why am I not pursuing all of my dreams and my goals? I know that most evenings I am just pure exhausted from the day, but today I was not. Today, I came home, and I played ukulele for a few hours, but not one complete song. My voice did not feel strong. Then I reverted back to the TV and the couch. I have found myself there a lot lately. Either there, or just in bed trying to sleep. These seem like signs of depression. But I would be quite surprised if this is something that is actually going on with my mental state currently.

Yes, I have noticed myself thinking about my mom more than previously and maybe crying a bit more than recent months. Yes, the man I fell in love with this winter is still out of the country and I am absolutely aching for him to return. However, I had all of these goals for the summer. I have all these ideas and ambitions and things that can actually accelerate my career forward, specifically my writing career, however, I am finding myself sitting on my butt for most hours outside of when I am getting paid. What's the deal? I haven't even been reading books. I haven't even been listening to audio books. I feel massively behind and I am not sure where I am going to rediscover my inspiration. It's like I am just kind of floating by right now and my paid job is good enough. But I know it is not.

I need to draw. I need to create (not just food), I need to express myself, I need to challenge myself, I need to put myself out there, I need to give, I need to learn, expand my knowledge, etc. Maybe I do not like a quiet house? But I do! What is it? Tell me world? Tell me what is going on and please let me find my way back.