Fears. Habits. Weaknesses.

I'm afraid of losing him. And it always gets worse when I realize how great he is because that is just the point it would happen. Right when it crossed my mind that I should spend more time with him, that's when the hammer will drop. That's what my mind, body and heart fear. Because that is what happened with the #1 him. My #1 him. If you are assuming I am talking about an ex-boyfriend, then you do not know me that well. This is the deep shit here folks.

Disclaimer:
If you are reading this, please know that this is my heart on the page. My life on the page. My family on the page. If you cannot treat these words with love and care and compassion, please stop reading.

A 5am hangover woke me up. It shook me to my core. And I saw all of it instantly. I feel like it's it. I go into panic mode. I seem to already start mourning before there is any proof of any change or any chance of losing him. And before it's really been proven to me that he is someone that would be "lost" rather than just one of those people that should come into and go out of my life accordingly, making room for the next one, and one day, the one.

Two questions I have for myself: 1) Why do I realize a male's worth later? Why can't I see it right away? Why must I be convinced? What is it that puts one over the edge and onto the amazing side? 2) What's with the panic button? Where is the faith that everything will happen for a reason? Where does the self-confidence go?

It seems I may not have the answers to these questions now. The why is always the hardest question for me to answer and the one that drives me the most crazy. Some think that just knowing is enough and that answering the why is not as important. However, in many situations I have come to find that the why sure does make things a lot more clear. Maybe not easier, but clear indeed.

Now, what do I do about this? If I can't yet answer the why maybe I can at least recognize it and make some positive changes to my psyche, health patterns (no more binging on cookies and ice cream or the like when gone into panic mode), and to my dating habits. Maybe I can accept that this is going to happen with some guys...for a reason. Maybe I can finally choose to really focus on one guy after I meet him, passed all those initial judgments where decide right away what his flaws are and am ready to meet th next one in hopes that he is even better. Just really dive in wholeheartedly, until I just can't stand him anymore. Enjoy every single opportunity I have to soak who he is into my pores. To soak in smiles, hugs, kisses, and what might feel like a version of love. Even when it's temporary, that feeling of being seen, being cared for, being realized, appreciated, wanted - there's not much better than that is there?

"I know you," he said, over and over again. He didn't ask me about my family, where I grew up, my former job, my former life. He just looked into my eyes. And watched me scale a rock wall at sunset that we both knew I should not have been climbing. He doesn't know me. Mostly because he doesn't know any of this. He doesn't know my deepest wounds, my biggest flaws, and the only true loves of my life - my family. But I think he did see something that no one has seen in a long time. Well no I take that back, I do have a few friends that I know have seen this. They are the ones I have kept in touch with regularly while on the road. But he saw it, and he kissed me. That feels lovely.

Feels a whole lot better than my stomach post alcohol and sweets induced writing revelation night! Thank goodness for hikes, and a brand new day, whatever that day has to bring. I accept it. If I never see him again, okay. I've experience it before and I will experience it again. If I do see him, I will indulge every part of my being in those moments. Those real moments. Those genuine moments. Life and the astounding chemicals that buzz around both bodies when two paths cross. It's truly astounding how another can affect you. How your physical, mental, and emotional state responds. Whether positive or negative it's quite a beautiful thing. And it should be appreciated to the depths. And at the surface. The basic layer. That first glance. That first smile. That first touch. That first kiss. And that first moment you realize you had the honor and the pleasure of having those moments with someone real.

I'm going to be able to recognize it again in the future. I just needed a reminder. It's been too many years.

"He doesn't say you're beautiful and perfect because he likes you. He likes you because you are beautiful and perfect." - a male friend from college at the beginning of freshman year, when I was first dating the one and only, and could not understand and accept his infatuation with me

Time to go watch the sunrise. Then maybe actually sleep! Doubt it.

Peace & Happiness,
My father's daughter