Skipping pages

I recently read Neil Patrick Harris' Autobiography. You might already know that this book is written in the second person and is in the style of a "choose your own adventure" book. Therefore, after each paragraph, you have 2-3 options of which direction to go. Sometimes it tells you exactly what to do, but most of the time the reader needs to make a decision.

I found myself going through an interesting dilemma that I would like to reflect on, and that, per my usual insights, can be related to everyday life, and more specifically to where I am in life.

It was difficult for me to choose an option. Sometimes, both options sounded good. Sometimes, both options sounded interesting, just for the story, even if I would not actually choose such a direction for myself or anyone in real life. But most crucially, I had a hard time turning to a page further down in the book, and skipping over all these pages I had yet to read. I was experiencing major FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) just as I do every week (and particularly lately when I am starting to make travel plans again). I found myself really uncomfortable with skipping pages in a book. "Don't you read a book from cover to cover?" I thought. "What are on those other pages? Maybe there are funny stories or interesting vignettes of NPH's life! I can't skip over any of that!" And so I didn't.

I continued this pattern until I was probably about half way through the book. I just read page after page and in no way followed the directions of the book. Then at one point, I noticed that one of the options the reader could choose at the end of the paragraph took me back to a page I had already read. "Hmmmm," I pondered, bewildered. "I guess if I would have just gone along with the journey, and made decisions along the way, I would have ended up back here anyway."

I would have ended up back there anyway! I did not have to force it, and make sure to read that page at the beginning of the book, in the order that the pages were. If I just trusted the book and it's path, I would have still ended up where I wanted to be. Where I should be! But instead, I had to hold on tight to the order of things and try to make sure to not miss out on something.

Now, I would hope that you can clearly see the parallels I will draw with life, but in case this introspective view of NPH's "make your own biography" is escaping you, I will elaborate.

Stop holding onto what you think should and needs to happen right now. Take life one day, one hour, at a time. Make decisions as they come to you. If something isn't working out, don't try to hold onto it. Do not smother it and try to force something to happen right now just because it looks like the next page in the book - just because it's the next step in life. Make a decision, follow that path for a while, and then make the next decision. If you were supposed to end up on that page of life, you will end up there. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but maybe in a few months, or a year. You will get there. But there are a few things you need to go first - places you need to see, people you need to meet, experiences that must be had.

This is absolutely huge to me, and resonates so loudly in my soul with where I have been at for the last few months. There are a few things in my life, particularly finding a job and continuing a relationship, that I believe I was feeling should happen right now. I was trying and trying, but it's just not working out. The bricks are not being laid on the ground and therefore there is not a path for me to hop onto. However, the path to travel again has clearly been laid before me, and the gentle fingers of nature, culture and adventure are waving me to them. This doesn't mean that a job at Planned Parenthood or a loving relationship with a wonderful man are not in my future, but for now, I can't force it. I cannot be perturbed or frustrated with it all. I can't just go to that page right now, because I need to go on the journey to another page much farther along in my autobiography. Eventually, I will get back there though. Wherever it should be and with whoever. But for now, I ramble on.