11 months ago I was all smiles and no looking back when I was leaving the country for an indefinite period. One of my big reasons for doing so was because I did not have anything holding me here in this state, and country. I hated my job, I hated where I was living, and although I had some good friends and dear family, I did not need them. I was not attached in anyway and I just wanted to get out and explore and get to know other cultures and people that might resonate with my soul more than what I had experienced here.
Ramona, come closer
Shut softly your watery eyes
The pangs of your sadness
Will pass as your senses will rise
The flowers of the city
Though breathlike, get deathlike at times
...
Now. Well, now I have things - more like people - to say goodbye to. I have a lot to say goodbye to. The relationships I have now are many and they are stronger and deeper than any I have experienced in my entire life. I have girlfriends I call sisters, and mean it with all of my heart. I have friends I can tell anything to, and they do the same to me. I have a brother that literally means the world to me. I even have a dog (okay not mine, but my brother's) that I love with all my heart. I literally said, "I love you," to him 20-30 times yesterday, and then let him jump in bed with me not only last night, but this morning. My blue and green ocean-esque duvet cover is now brown. Love. Pure love.
I have been obsessed with this song titled, "To Ramona," which I came across on Google Play. This version was sang by an artist named Lissie. I couldn't put my finger on why this song resonated with my soul so deeply, but every time I played it, I was struck, and wanted to hear it loop around over and over through my ears, hitting my heart with it's melody. Then, this morning, as I was sipping my coffee with almond milk and honey, out of my "Happiness is about the journey not the destination" mug that was a gift to my mom, and reading my book, "The Science of Pleasure" - particularly the section on music - this song once again popped into my head. I have no idea why it did, but the book was talking about how music is the one thing that does not have a biological or evolutionary reason as to why it brings us pleasure.
I opened up the Google Play app on my turquoise, two year old, cracked screen, Moto X phone, went to my "thumbs up" playlist, and pressed play, instantly using the Sonos app as well to send those tunes through the living room speakers (thanks Bro). As I sunk into the melody and rhythm, I quickly decided to look for the YouTube version so I could send the song to a friend. The first result was, "Lissie cover of Bob Dylan's To Ramona." What!? Amazing. I love Bob Dylan! He was one of my dad's favorites. I took my mom to see him at Shoreline Amphitheatre. I have memories of his ugly mug on the TV when I was little. I have a cassette tape of my dad's of Bob Dylan. Next, I Googled "To Ramona lyrics" and read along as Bob groaned out the words.
...
And there's no use in tryin'
To deal with the dyin'
Though I cannot explain that in lines.
Your cracked country lips
I still wish to kiss
As to be by the strength of you skin
Your magnetic movements
Still capture the minutes I'm in
But now...well throughout the next month...I feel I will be having many of these moments. I know that the person on the other side of the hug will not be crying though. I will be. Whether externally or internally, this is going to be hard. I do not know what will happen while I am gone, on either ends of the world. I am not sure what I will be coming home to, or who I will be when I return. But I have to go and I know this. It's hard and it hurts. The funniest thing about saying goodbye is that you want everyone to support you, but you also want them to miss you. There is some wonderful combination between a person wanting you to be happy and follow the right path for you, but at the same time, he/she wanting you to stay just where you are so he/she can have you all to his/herself. The person leaving craves to be missed. A lot. Heart achingly so. Who doesn't want to be missed?
...
I'd forever talk to you
But soon my words
They would turn into a meaningless ring
For deep in my heart
I know there is no help I can bring
Everything passes
Everything changes
Just do what you think you should do
And someday, maybe
Who knows, baby
I'll come and be cryin' to you.
Now. Well, now I have things - more like people - to say goodbye to. I have a lot to say goodbye to. The relationships I have now are many and they are stronger and deeper than any I have experienced in my entire life. I have girlfriends I call sisters, and mean it with all of my heart. I have friends I can tell anything to, and they do the same to me. I have a brother that literally means the world to me. I even have a dog (okay not mine, but my brother's) that I love with all my heart. I literally said, "I love you," to him 20-30 times yesterday, and then let him jump in bed with me not only last night, but this morning. My blue and green ocean-esque duvet cover is now brown. Love. Pure love.
I have been obsessed with this song titled, "To Ramona," which I came across on Google Play. This version was sang by an artist named Lissie. I couldn't put my finger on why this song resonated with my soul so deeply, but every time I played it, I was struck, and wanted to hear it loop around over and over through my ears, hitting my heart with it's melody. Then, this morning, as I was sipping my coffee with almond milk and honey, out of my "Happiness is about the journey not the destination" mug that was a gift to my mom, and reading my book, "The Science of Pleasure" - particularly the section on music - this song once again popped into my head. I have no idea why it did, but the book was talking about how music is the one thing that does not have a biological or evolutionary reason as to why it brings us pleasure.
I opened up the Google Play app on my turquoise, two year old, cracked screen, Moto X phone, went to my "thumbs up" playlist, and pressed play, instantly using the Sonos app as well to send those tunes through the living room speakers (thanks Bro). As I sunk into the melody and rhythm, I quickly decided to look for the YouTube version so I could send the song to a friend. The first result was, "Lissie cover of Bob Dylan's To Ramona." What!? Amazing. I love Bob Dylan! He was one of my dad's favorites. I took my mom to see him at Shoreline Amphitheatre. I have memories of his ugly mug on the TV when I was little. I have a cassette tape of my dad's of Bob Dylan. Next, I Googled "To Ramona lyrics" and read along as Bob groaned out the words.
...
And there's no use in tryin'
To deal with the dyin'
Though I cannot explain that in lines.
Your cracked country lips
I still wish to kiss
As to be by the strength of you skin
Your magnetic movements
Still capture the minutes I'm in
...
Holy crap. This song was written for me. From him. From that guy that I want to write these lyrics to me. Does it matter who? We all know what that's like - whether you have a special someone or not, there are times you hear a song and you want that person (or anyone) to send you the song and say, "this is how I feel about you." The beauty of music is that you do not need anyone to say this. Just listening to the art and letting the verses sweep through you, you already feel like someone has said this. Because someone has. The writer. The singer. They are saying these words to you. Okay, it wasn't pre-meditated to be given directly to you. Bob didn't write this song thinking, "this is for Natasha," but he did write it thinking that there were other women out there, like Ramona, that need to hear these words.
...
But it grieves my heart, love
To see you tryin' to be a part of
A world that just don't exist It's all just a dream, babe
A vacuum, a scheme, babe
That sucks you into feelin' like this.
...
This is why I want to write. I know that the experiences I have had, and the insights I have gained, could help other people. Whether it helps him/her by just not feeling alone, or he/she just needs some advice on getting through this horrible difficult thing we call life. For some reason, I feel I could help. Or for some reason, sharing my words might help me. I may have yet to write a song, but I understand music, it moves my soul, and I appreciate words more than most things in this world.
Onto saying, "Goodbye."
...
I can see that your head
Has been twisted and fed
With worthless foam from the mouth
Holy crap. This song was written for me. From him. From that guy that I want to write these lyrics to me. Does it matter who? We all know what that's like - whether you have a special someone or not, there are times you hear a song and you want that person (or anyone) to send you the song and say, "this is how I feel about you." The beauty of music is that you do not need anyone to say this. Just listening to the art and letting the verses sweep through you, you already feel like someone has said this. Because someone has. The writer. The singer. They are saying these words to you. Okay, it wasn't pre-meditated to be given directly to you. Bob didn't write this song thinking, "this is for Natasha," but he did write it thinking that there were other women out there, like Ramona, that need to hear these words.
...
But it grieves my heart, love
To see you tryin' to be a part of
A world that just don't exist It's all just a dream, babe
A vacuum, a scheme, babe
That sucks you into feelin' like this.
...
This is why I want to write. I know that the experiences I have had, and the insights I have gained, could help other people. Whether it helps him/her by just not feeling alone, or he/she just needs some advice on getting through this horrible difficult thing we call life. For some reason, I feel I could help. Or for some reason, sharing my words might help me. I may have yet to write a song, but I understand music, it moves my soul, and I appreciate words more than most things in this world.
Onto saying, "Goodbye."
...
I can see that your head
Has been twisted and fed
With worthless foam from the mouth
I can tell you are torn
Between stayin' and returnin'
Back to the South
Between stayin' and returnin'
Back to the South
...
Yes I am torn. But I know what I need to do. And I have so many people that support me, but pretty much everyone doesn't seem to understand how much harder it is for me to do this time around. I have to say goodbye for real, to a lot of people. Last time, I really only said Goodbye to one person, and...well...that will be the goodbye I never forget. Getting on a plane will always remind me of that moment. The moment her face was drenched in tears and when she went to put her arms around me and my huge purple REI backpack Petunia. Then, when she retreated, I came to find a long gold chain around my neck, with a whale bone (or something similar) heart shape at the end. That moment will stick with me forever.
...
You've been fooled into thinking
That the finishin' end is at hand
Yet there's no one to beat you
No one to defeat you
'Cept the thoughts of yourself feeling bad
I've heard you say many times
That you're better 'n no one
And no one is better 'n you
If you really believe that
You know you have
Nothing to win and nothing to lose
From fixtures and forces and friends
Your sorrow does stem
That hype you and type you
Making you feel
That you gotta be just like them....
Yes I am torn. But I know what I need to do. And I have so many people that support me, but pretty much everyone doesn't seem to understand how much harder it is for me to do this time around. I have to say goodbye for real, to a lot of people. Last time, I really only said Goodbye to one person, and...well...that will be the goodbye I never forget. Getting on a plane will always remind me of that moment. The moment her face was drenched in tears and when she went to put her arms around me and my huge purple REI backpack Petunia. Then, when she retreated, I came to find a long gold chain around my neck, with a whale bone (or something similar) heart shape at the end. That moment will stick with me forever.
...
You've been fooled into thinking
That the finishin' end is at hand
Yet there's no one to beat you
No one to defeat you
'Cept the thoughts of yourself feeling bad
I've heard you say many times
That you're better 'n no one
And no one is better 'n you
If you really believe that
You know you have
Nothing to win and nothing to lose
From fixtures and forces and friends
Your sorrow does stem
That hype you and type you
Making you feel
That you gotta be just like them....
But now...well throughout the next month...I feel I will be having many of these moments. I know that the person on the other side of the hug will not be crying though. I will be. Whether externally or internally, this is going to be hard. I do not know what will happen while I am gone, on either ends of the world. I am not sure what I will be coming home to, or who I will be when I return. But I have to go and I know this. It's hard and it hurts. The funniest thing about saying goodbye is that you want everyone to support you, but you also want them to miss you. There is some wonderful combination between a person wanting you to be happy and follow the right path for you, but at the same time, he/she wanting you to stay just where you are so he/she can have you all to his/herself. The person leaving craves to be missed. A lot. Heart achingly so. Who doesn't want to be missed?
...
I'd forever talk to you
But soon my words
They would turn into a meaningless ring
For deep in my heart
I know there is no help I can bring
Everything passes
Everything changes
Just do what you think you should do
And someday, maybe
Who knows, baby
I'll come and be cryin' to you.
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