Follow the Signs

Day 4 - Hollyford Track: Night @ McKerrow Island Hut
November 15th

Today was exhuasting. I literally felt like a zombie at the end. The only thing that got me to show up at the hut with a huge smile on my face  was the amazing views and the adventure to get to the hut. We crossed a channel of water and then walked across the beach. The mountains ahead were topped with fresh snow and the ones behind gloriously reflected off the water. The snow laden mountains were so huge and the sun was in it's way down, so they left shadows on the mountains opposite the lake. I stopped numerous times to take photos, and every frame captured made me happier and happier, even with the sandflies attacking my hands and face.

I had two major epiphanies today.

First, I do not want to die on the trail. I was crossing the highest and scariest three wire bridge of the trail (there were probably 5-7 total) and my trail mates were not at the other end this time for some reason. This made me a bit more scared, I noticed. Once again, it was clear to me that I could easily die. I've experienced this multiple times in this trip, and many other trips. A foot could slip, a wire could break, I could be looking at a mountain and let go of one hand. Anything. But I knew I didn't want it to happen.

This may seem fairly obvious to you, but it's not actually. Last year, while tramping the cliffs of the Routeburn track, I expressed to my favorite trail and travel mate, Katie, that if I died on the trail at least I was doing what I love. Today, I realized that's not how I want to go. I want to die while holding the hand of someone I love and who loves me unconditionally. Thinking back on this now, this hope does feel unfair to that person holding my hand because then he/she has to live with that image and experience. And that is not easy. It may be the hardest thing ever.

My second epiphany, well it's another one of my trail metaphors for life. Maybe you haven't heard many of these because I haven't published them, yet, but I came up with multiple while hiking the JMT. And metaphors are my favorite thing to ponder and write about!

Life is like the trail we hiked today. It is wild and hard and often times difficult to navigate. You have to remember to keep your head up often and look out for signs. You may go a while without any signs, but in your gut you have an idea if you are on the right path and you have to follow that feeling until you see another sign to assure you that you are on the right path, or until you've realized that you have wandered off of the path and you need to look around and find your way back.

Sometimes, you have to climb your way up the path, using everything you've got. Sometimes you feel extreme pain but you have to remember it's temporary. Sometimes there is a shaky bridge to get you over a rushing river - it's scary and risky but it's safer and quicker than other options.  Then you hit a huge slip/avalanche/landslide or multiple fallen trees, rocks and bushes. These sections are longer and harder to get through. You don't have any signs but you have to find your own way. Take a lot of time and be careful. You'll be going under and over things and you'll have debris raining all over. Be patient. Eventually you'll get to the other side. And once you get to the other side it won't be over. There will still be difficulties ahead but you can take a breather, have your feet in solid ground, follow the signs, and look back at what you got through and be proud.

The more of these difficult climbs, river crossings and landslides you get through, sometimes they get a bit easier. You'll learn it's easier to go over fallen trees rather than under. You'll learn that often times it's easier and safer to just get your feet wet rather than tip toe around and in wet slippery rocks. And that's another thing - you have to pay close attention. Your focus must be sharp to take in what is presented on your path and try to make the best and the safest step. Sometimes you're exhausted and you slip in the mud and get the entire back side of your pants muddy. That's okay. That mud will wash right off. But remember the misstep you took for next time.

And even though your path is difficult and steep, don't forget to take a few seconds to admire the beauty, because it is beautiful. Snap a few photos. Breath in the fresh air. Maybe take a few steps off the trail and look at the view of the mountains in the distance - those are not the mountains you will conquer to, or maybe ever, but you can appreciate the beauty and majesty.

You have to keep going, even though you are exhausted and sore and in pain. But give yourself a rest when you can. Sometimes, resting is not an option. You're over and over again shocked with what you are out up against on your path - "I'm literally climbing up waterfalls!" In those moments, all you want is a clearly paved wide path where you can just smile and lookup and walk on, but that's not what you are being given today. And maybe not tomorrow. And maybe not this year. And you might grow jealous of other people who are given those paths at the times when you're on The Demon Trail. But their track is not your track. You will get out what you are meant to from your experience. Theirs is different. Don't be jealous. You're track will be different one day, and that day it might be so easy that you end up missing the trials and tribulations of the Hollyford, because it gave you moments to laugh about. It gave you three girls smiling in a hut in the woods, below alpine mountains and across a lake, just in their undies and shirts, lighting jetboils for each other and enjoying their pre-dinner chocolate bars. Then after bellies are full, photos passed around, plans made for tomorrow, then quiet fills the space around the old wooden table. Each girl sitting on her own bench on one side of the square top, each with pen in one hand and journal in front of her eyes, candles burning bright in between them. Writing furious about their experiences of the day, before curling into mummy sleeping bags and doing it all over again.

...

And then three alpiners barge in at 11pm right as we each had just whisked off to sleep. Hah. #hutlife