This is not easy

I knew this was going to be hard. I told numerous people lately that my life in Tahoe has been absolutely astounding, mind-blowing, beautiful, incredible, successful, full of love and fun. Then I'd follow-up the statements and stories with something to the affect of, "I am going to be going through many transitions all at once in the near future, and I know it is not going to be easy."

I woke up this morning feeling highly unmotivated. I glanced at my trustee, "pocket screen," and saw the four words I have become so fond of hearing first thing in the morning. Recalling this moment and these words and this person is bringing tears to my eyes. This is not easy.

I have received three and a half job offers...okay let's call it four. All opportunities would likely be quite lovely, allow me to meet cool people, and either let me just relax and soak up the sun, or add highly sought after skills on my resume that I could utilize in the future. However, I wouldn't mind making a bit more money so that I could not continue to dig through my savings, and have extra cash to spend on things besides groceries. Yesterday, as I was driving to my therapy appointment - which after a 30 minute wait in the lobby was informed I arrived an hour late for, having added it to my calendar two weeks ago incorrectly - I was contemplating two of these jobs, and which would be the best fit. I left my auxiliary chord in my room, attached to the speaker I am borrowing, and therefore I drove the 30 minutes to the valley in silence, allowing my thoughts to run wild, observing what arose. Just as these two jobs popped in my skull, I saw a magpie...and then another.

If you do not already know, I have a tattoo of a magpie on my left forearm...well it's actually pretty much wrapped around my whole arm. This tattoo represents the most influential and biggest support of my entire life, who we sadly, "lost to another world, forever," just over one year ago. I chose this tattoo because I saw a magpie on our last adventure together. According to folklore, one magpie is for sorrow. She passed away three days later. Also, according to folklore, two magpies is for joy, or the joyful union of two people.

I think these would be the third and fourth magpies I've seen in the U.S. since that one magpie I saw 13 months ago. This omen doesn't help me decide between the two jobs, but it does give me encouragement.

Today my schedule is 100% open. The only thing I have decided to add to my calendar is to go to yoga at 4:30pm. With all this time, I could get heaps done. I could work on my businesses, do some data analyst/coding for another job and for a friend in NZ, I could read, play the ukulele, do some charcoal sketching, try to write a song, continue on my scavenger hunt, buy and start building websites, take an online website building class, do more kayak shopping, get business cards created...the options and the to-do list are endless.

So, why the lack of motivation? Why do I care? My roommate suggested I just soak it in and ride it out while I am in between jobs. And I should! But I can't help but want to be a bit productive, even if it's making art. Maybe I just write all day long. Maybe today is an artistic day. Who knows what could come of it. Maybe something new. Maybe a new idea. Maybe a new skill, a new beloved hobby.

It's all going to work out just fine, and I know soon I will be ecstatic once again and making even bigger waves.

Patience. Patience, Natasha. Embrace the feelings. Get deep into them. See what happens. See where it takes you. It's just one more day. One more week. Who knows what will happen in this time.

If you want to send any words of motivation or inspiration, I will gladly accept that also.

Cheers,
Natasha