I relish in the wait

I have not written at all since I moved to Tahoe. Well, I haven't written any blog posts, but I have written some other pieces (or attempts) here and there. However, I did START writing one post on April 2nd.

April 2nd. One year without my biggest cheerleader. One day after exchanging powerful and sincere words with someone I have gotten to know deeply. I started writing this blog post, and I never finished it. The last month, since I started compiling my thoughts on the subject and attempting to connect them into coherent sentences, I have found myself in some outrageously surprising, trying, and absolutely beautiful situations.

Yesterday, I said, "see you later," to that someone I have gotten to know deeply. That someone who made me re-evaluate the, "three little words" we all know. That someone who...well maybe I will get more into this below.

[The following section was written on April 2nd.]

"I love you."

I have recently come to have a different experience and view around these words. We seem to view this statement as a blanketed way to express to someone how you feel when your connection is strong, deep, intense. Most people have very different ways of defining  what it means when you tell someone, "I love you."

It means, you would do absolutely anything for that person.

It means that you don't mind doing all of the little things - the things that normally you wouldn't like doing or would annoy you. For them, you are more than happy to do it.

When I asked Google, here is what I found:

What does it mean I love you?
When I say “I love you,” I mean my life is better with you in it. I'm a better man because of you. And the more I come to know you, the more I want to know. I miss you when you're not around. I'm grateful for every moment we're together.

[Now I will continue on with my thoughts on this, one month later, after a whole lot of new experiences to add to my perspective.]

I would say that's a pretty decent definition. I have come back to this topic, and wanted to finish my thoughts on it, but each time I sit down to attempt to elaborate, I seem to feel a bit stuck.

Here's the thing - I have fallen in love. For real. With a person this time. For the first time in a long time. And this time...well. We might all say this at some time, but yes...this time it is different.

In all honesty, the words, "I love you," sound weird coming from our mouths. I know we mean it. I know it's true. For the first time in my life ever, I said the words in response immediately after hearing them from this man's lips. It did not take me weeks, or even months, to say it back, as it has in the past. I was aching to verbalize my feelings through words. I have been saying them in my head for at least a week already. And I know he had also. We would gaze deeply into each others' eyes. We would get absolutely lost, starting deep into the windows of each others' soul, completely unaware of where we were and who else was around. The sensations that would echo through my limbs and vibrate in my heart would be so overwhelming that I would groan and cruse and fling my arms in the air.

And so would he.

And now? Now that we have exchanged the words that seem to be the only way to verbally express what we were feeling inside...the words are not enough! We both feel a frustration with the inability to encapsulate the emotions and potentially share them through words echoing from our lips, or being written with pen and paper. It's never enough. It rarely sounds right. It just sounds weird. It's as if we say it because that's what we've been taught to say. These are the words we are taught to aspire to. They are the most powerful words that you could say to another and that another could say to you. However, I have come to find that this is just not true.

There are many other words I have said, heard, and numerous actions and moments that I have come to find are much more powerful and genuine.

I am proud of you.
I really love when you sing that song.
I love waking up next to you - it's like a surprise gift each morning.
Thank you.
I want to take you home to meet my family and friends and show you special places.
I want you to come visit me while I am traveling abroad.
You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.
If you are by my side I know I will be having fun, no matter who or what else is going on.
I feel like you are a true partner - everything is easier and more enjoyable when you're by my side.
I know we would create an epic garden together - we'd never have to go to the market again!

Okay, I'll stop there, but these are all real things that have been said. These are just the words. What's more is the way we encourage each other and inspire each other.  As I wrote to someone in a letter on May 30th, "And yet, I relish in the wait, because our time apart is just as crucial as our time together."  I feel an extra drive to succeed and accomplish as much as possible during our solo periods. That is something I want and feel incredibly grateful to have found through an accumulation of amazing people in my life. However, finding this in a romantic partner would be a requirement for me - I just did not expect to find it so soon, let alone at a mountain resort, where I worked.

I feel safe getting out of my comfort zone - I have started to play my ukulele and sing to him regularly, and we've started to play together. I have never done this, but have always wanted to. It's exhilarating! And frightening. And embarrassing.  He encourages me to be a goofball, even more than I already am, because he is even more weird than I am...I think. He might argue the opposite.  Most importantly, I am uncomfortably honest with him, particularly in the most discomforting situations. The communication we have is more raw and vulnerable than any other relationship I have ever had, including friendships. It kinda sucks. But it's necessary. And is great. There is no way we would be where we are now, and experienced the things together that we have, if we did not put EVERYTHING out there.

I know if he stays strong and sticks to his goals, he will be unstoppable. The things that this man could achieve are mind-blowing and heartwarming. I know if I stay strong and stick to my goals, I will be unstoppable. The things that I WILL achieve are exciting and scary as hell. Together...together I feel confident that we could genuinely make the world a better place and bring so much joy and peace into some people's lives that we could actually significantly change some lives.

Maybe, you think I am being overzealous. Maybe, you think I am in some fuzzy cloud of love. Maybe, you think I am just exaggerating in order to get a good piece written. Maybe, you think I am distracting myself. I honestly do not care. In this current moment, these feelings, experiences, and this person, is my muse. And I am going to milk that as much as I can. Blog writing, song writing, playing the ukulele, crafting, gardening, cooking, adventuring, business ventures, career path, making friends, traveling. WHATEVER. Bring it.

This life is for living, and I am going to get every ounce of life squeezed out into my cup while I can.

Remember my goals when I first started this adventure? I had planned to keep travelling until I found a place, job, or person that I love. It seems, I may have found all three.

Peace & Happiness,
Tango Romeo Alpha Victor Echo Lima Lima India November Tango Alpha Sierra Hotel