There is no such thing as a mistake

Today my alarm clock was a woodpecker knocking right outside "my" window. I use the term "my" lightly because, well, I do not own many things anymore. Since I do not have an apartment that I pay rent for, most of the things around me at all times are not mine. But honestly, that's what I wanted and needed. I felt an extreme discomfort being in my apartment surrounded by material things. I actually feel the same way at my mom's house, because in a way they also feel like mine (that's a hole 'nother topic to visit). I do have a good amount of additional clothes, fantastic kitchen items, and a couch, back my mom's and brother's, but otherwise, what is mine is in my car.

Back to the woodpecker...that's a great way to wake up, by the way. Although it startled me, seeing that lovely little creature flutter off as I opened the blinds was quite lovely. Since I was now awake after my 11 hours of post epic hike sleep in the coziest king size bed, in a huge house all to myself, I checked my email. Incongruously, one of the two messages in my inbox was a confirmation for staying in my tent during my meditation course - the no speaking, no eye contact, 11 day course, where my alarm will be set for 4am each morning, meditation course.

I am guessing when you first read about my morning, you scoffed and said something to the affect of, "lucky" or "if only". Now what are you thinkin?! Maybe something more like, "she is crazy"?

"There is no such thing as a mistake." Reading this one sentence actually brought me to tears - instantly. It is one of the 18 lessons from Nomadic Matt's 5 year travel anniversary article. You have quickly realized I am a bit of a crier. You should know that I wasn't always. Yes, for majority of my life I have always been a softy, but for a good year or two post heartbreak, I was as numb as can be. Post Africa brought back my feelings, and man have there been a lot of tears since! For the first 6-7 months the tears were about 95% sad, frustrated, confused and hopeless tears.  But don't worry, a vast majority of that hopelessness was related to my job, which is now close to ending! Since around mid-May, I have been incredible aware of my happy, hopeful, outrageously excited feelings, and the tears have kept flowing...a lot!

Ugh, okay that was clearly another tangent. Back to the quote...

I am extremely worried about making the wrong decision. Over and over again I go back and forth on majority of the decisions I need to make. I am not sure why this is, but I am very aware of this downfall of mine. Although I did have on my bucket list to make a big mistake (and I successfully achieved it, by the way) most of the time I am absolutely frightened to do so. I am positive that each and every one of you has listened to me while I am trying to make a decision on anything from what recipe to cook for a grill-out, to when I should quit my job. If I am going to be traveling the world I am going to need to get more fearless about making mistakes, and keep reminding myself that, "There is no such thing as a mistake." I will repeat it in my head over and over again, not just for travel decisions, but also with relationships...

I consistently tell myself that one should be transparent, open and honest with others and always say how you feel, however I have a very difficult time doing this as well. I've noticed this in my single days, trying to date. I clench up, and the words I want to get out end up swirling around in my head and heart for hours, days and weeks instead. Sometimes it is because I am a bit unsure of exactly what my feelings are, but most of the time...I just have no idea what is is actually. I have dealt with enough rejection that I do not think that is the cause, especially because sometimes it is related to me letting down someone else, rather than me being vulnerable. Upon reflection in this current moment, I believe that it could be a fear of losing someone that I cherish. Usually all on different levels - some I actually love from the bottom of my heart, others I enjoy the incessant laughter when we are together. In all cases, I fear losing that person from my life. That if I tell my true feelings they would either be deterred from spending any more time with me, or so hurt and embarrassed that they shy away from me.

I have yet to be able to express my feelings wholeheartedly and have it end up being a positive outcome, in the way I would like. Trial and error, I guess. Practice makes perfect. However, negative reinforcement will likely keep me from more trials and practice. I guess since I will be leaving the country in 3 months I have nothing to lose. 

We'll see what happens!