Laziness?

I've been unemployed for 5 weeks now. Since then, I've been going non-stop: driving, running, hiking, camping, see live music, coffee shops, dinner, etc etc. I came back to California about 4 days ago and it has been the first days I have decided to do nothing. Just relax. Eat healthy food, watch some movies, read, sleep, etc. I have clocked about 18 miles on my feet, and I went out to see some music last night and made some friends. Otherwise, I feel I have been a total bum.

A common discussion question is: what would you do every day if you won the lottery and didn't have to work? Well, I always though I would work out as much as possible, read, volunteer and spend more time listening to music and singing. It's been interesting to come to learn what I would actually do! Although the circumstances are a bit different. If I was in one stationary location, i.e. if I had a place I was calling home, where I wanted to build my life, the volunteering would definitely happen. However, since I have been on the road it has not. That's been the first surprise.

The other surprises is how little I have been reading. Actually, now that I think about it, I have "read" 3.5 books. It just happened to be that I listened to them instead of reading, since I've been driving so much. I've also been just not intrigued to read the books I have in my possession currently and have yet to come up on a bookstore when I am in need.

So I guess the big surprise is the watching TV for hours! I've been sucked into a showtime series on Netflix ever since I got to Tahoe. The con is that it's sucking away hours of my time here because I just can't seem to walk away. I crave it. The pro is that it's actually the reason I am writing right now. The main character is a writer and it seems that some times you have to just sit down and write. It's also been extremely enlightening into the male psyche (males please comment if you have seen the show and feel anything is way off base).

Anyway...

Do I have anything else profound to write about? Well, my mind has been heavily focused on the topic of love and sex and relationships. I've been doing some introspection as to my habits around how picky I am. I've also noticed how I am a bit less excited about going abroad for an extended period of time. As the days go by, I feel more and more ready and eager to find a place to build a life and a person to build a life with. But, I know I need to go find myself first. It's just so much damn analyzing of my thoughts and feelings it's tiring! "What do I think about this towns outdoors? What do I think about that towns music scene? Do I have a real connection with this guy? Am I really hurt by that guy? Does that new guy really like me? What are you doing tomorrow? When do you want to come home? Are you going to go to the doctor for that rash? Are you going to regret not going to see your Grandma? Why don't you call her?" The questions go on and on and on. And when I want or need a break, I eat and watch TV. I am so scared of doing the "wrong" thing most of the time that I can't just be. Just be where I am at. And enjoy it. And not think about all the decisions I have to make. I know I am putting myself through my own torture.

I am completely on my own here in Tahoe. I could do whatever the hell I wanted and no one would know. But I beat myself over the head with guilt trip after guilt trip of what I should be doing. Why do we do that to ourselves? I mean I know why I do it - I am on this mission to make my life better and find myself so I feel that every single solitary moment should support that journey! And if I am not than I am just being lazy unemployed bum. Is anything wrong with that? I don't know. I feel like I don't want to waste any moments. And I shouldn't miss out in amazing weather and beautiful places. But to be honest I am experiencing a bit of heartbreak all over again.

It's a combination of new stuff, along with this introspection that is causing me to relive things and reevaluate them. For example, a good kiss. Just think about a really good kiss. That is a very special thing. I took it for granted. It has been a while since I have experienced a really good kiss. One that you just get lost in. And don't want to stop kissing. Goodbyes lasting way too long. Some lady friends tell me they've had to train their guy to kiss well. But for some awful reason I refuse to accept that. I feel like it should be a natural connection. A natural flow where you both click. But, maybe that's bullshit!

I sat down and decided to write. I kinda forced it. And I don't like this post. It's not interesting and not insightful. I am in a writing funk. Not sure why. I want it to happen. I want words to flow out of me like the rushing rivers I forded across in the Maroon Bells Wilderness of Colorado. And I want those words to be as colorful as the mountain sides and trees splaying across the walls of those valleys. Why do I want it? I crave something creative. I used to be such a little artist as a kid and I just can't seem to find my niche as an adult. Sometimes I do feel like I can write really well. Otherwise, I think it's false hopes. But I need a creative outlet if I am going to survive and thrive happily. I have way too many thoughts and feelings. Those pour out of me like rivers constantly. More like a sprinkler or a shower head, going in all different directions and with different settings. There has to be a positive spin to all these feelings and thoughts. There has to be a healthy release. I need it.