Learnings from the road: Parte Due

I am laying in my tent - the one I bought just over a week ago. Same pillow I've been carrying with me since I left Monterey mid July. Laying on top of my fleece blanket with my sleeping bag unzipped and scrunched at my feet. Sweating head to toe. It's a sauna in here. I have no air vent because I am afraid that the cicadas are going to fall from the trees and I am going to wake up covered in them. Seriously. Or ticks or whatever else might be out here. I clearly did not research and am definitely regretting this. A lot. Freaked out... big time.

I am at an "RV park and resort" in Lake of the Ozarks. I got in around 10pm after quite a mess of...well it doesn't matter. I'm here now. I'm "safe". I paid $10.30 to sleep for a few hours in my own sweat and dirty clothes, risking being defenseless against bugs and strangers, rather than shell out an extra $80 for a hotel room down the street. Today was not a fun day. Today was simply a day of learning. So, what did we learn today?

a) I do not like cities. You might have already known this, and yes so did I, but now I know for sure. The discomfort and anxiety I felt while in Kansas City vs the huge wave of relaxation and relief once I got out of there and onto the countryside made this very clear.

b) I do not like all that famous BBQ food very much. It's usually too fatty and greasy. Big mistake today. I'm going to stick to vegetarian plus chicken and turkey when eating out. Otherwise, I am always disappointed.

c) Yes, you can change plans, but it's not always going to be smooth and easy. Have a plan a and plan b and try to stick to one of those with given time goals and destinations. Don't flip flop. This can seriously mess up your day and put you at risk of breaking the next rule...

d) Never drive at night to a new location. Just don't. If it's a layover day, fine. Otherwise, just don't do it!!!

e) Research and find the right place to stay the night before you hit the road. Again, have 2-3 options depending on how tired you get and how many stops you make.

f) Sometimes you gotta shell out the extra cash and get a hotel room! Just do it. Swallow your pride and put it on your credit card so you can just deal with it later.

g) If you are invited to spend more time with a new friend in a place you really like, do it. Don't run away. No matter what the reason. You will regret it.

This last one is eating at me the most. I met some really cool and fun people in Utah and Colorado and was invited on trips or to homes in various locations. But I did not take up a single one on his offer. I ran. Just like I ran from California from a guy. Why is this? From the realizations I had during and after my meditation course, a feeling of abandonment from men is something I struggle with. In addition, I have been aching to have an excuse to just get stuck in a new place with a new person and just see what happens. So why do I run? Why am I running? Because none of them are perfect? Because some are taken? (Some more extreme than others). Why not just embrace th adventure for a few days? Dive in. Instead of staying in Colorado, which I totally fell in love with, or cruising to Austin or Tahoe, I head the opposite direction. Wtf?!

Right now, I am greatly regretting this decision. On the positive side, I know I learned a lot today, including this feeling of regret. But I don't like it. I would prefer to be excited and happy and potentially looking to be in someone's arms soon, whether if just a friendship or romantic. Instead, I have another day of driving tomorrow. And rather than going for a hike tomorrow as planned, I am just going to hit the road and get to NC as soon as possible. I am sure I will be happy once I get to my friend's farm in NC, but who knows. I may just run again, but this time I'll be running back.

This night and these feelings are temporary and will pass, but I felt the need to express them. Learning, learning, learning...sigh.