From those lips

What are the words that will be expelled from these pursed lips? Words of frustration, of love, of honesty, of fear...

Thoughts swirl, round and round, through the many ridges of my brain. Few travel from above out to the world. Why is this so? On repeated occasion, through iterations of relationships, I vow to share my feelings more truly. And yet, I continue a pattern of being closed off. Of holding it in. Why? I believe out of fear. Fear of losing something...someone... I do not want to lose. Life was fine before these people, and there will without a doubt be others that follow. However, in this moment, I hold tight. No matter what. It eats away inside me. I bounce back and forth between conclusions on what to do. Between what words I do allow to dance off the tip of my tongue and sway into that others' ear.

Am I unsure if my thoughts are true? Is it all for a good story? For a distraction? Or is it genuine? The truth reveals itself after the body has been privy to a few libations. Therefore, if I avoid going to far with my whiskey, beer and wine loves around this friend, is that confirmation of my heart's true tale?

Today I came so close to expressing, "I wish I met you at another time in my life." Then I quickly negated that and decided this is the point in my life that I need to have this person. Need? Have I ever really needed someone? Do I ever really allow myself of this? Maybe that is what is the most daunting to me...needing someone.

"I need you."

Have I ever said these words? Yes. I recall after my recent far accident... Maybe. Was I even then able to firmly state, "I need you to pick me up"? Or did I rather ask. Maybe after my heartbreak, arriving back at SFO. This is quite astonishing to me. I know I've said these words. I must have. To who? When? Why?

It seems I feel that I shouldn't need anyone. That needing someone is a sign of weakness. Maybe the ultimate sign of weakness. And I'm not weak. I do admit to being "a mess" and "messed up" very often lately. Emotionally, physically, mentally...a mess. But I'm not weak. No sir. No madam. Not here. Not this girl. Not this woman.

Need to does apply to my current cause of insomnia, though. It's want. I'm fine on my own. I'm figuring it out. But, boy do I enjoy his company. I want it. Pure and simple. I'm aware of that. Maybe that is the key. Likely, he is afraid that I do need him. Understandable. Many would. Most should. I do not need him. I could drop him from my life and be perfectly fine. I'd miss him, yes. Some extra smiles, some fun times once every week or two. Good music. More sleep. Less over analyzing. Less unknown. Less confusion. Sounds pretty good actually. Better off without him potentially.

I need to see a therapist again...

"Get out of my heart. Get out of my mind. Get out of my dreams. Get out my sight. You might have known doubt. You might have no fear. You might have known love. But you never knew me." - Johnnyswim, 'Falling for me'

One of my best friends has expressed her deep joy in reading this blog. She enjoys it so much that she hopes I write a book. I've had this urge on my own as well. You may see note entries from me in the best future just to get my juices flowing. I may start a separate blog. Or I may just keep things in my Google Drive and hold them private or share with only particular people. Not sure why I'm expressing this to you all, whoever "you" are...since I have no idea who actually reads this on a regular basis. Maybe someone else will read this and give me more inspiration.

Honestly, I'd love to just lock myself away for 48 hours and write. I've been craving this for months now. How do I find the time and head space for this?

Off to 7am mindful yoga...

- Nat