Anger

I got really upset tonight. The accumulation of all of the things that have and are causing me stress in my life just...I hit the last straw. One thirty dollar charge set me over the edge. But if I were to count, list everything that goes through my head each day, everything that I need to manage and try to resolve. Well I'd bore you to tears and my blood pressure would just shoot up.

I yelled. I cussed. I slammed a door. I tore up pieces of paper. Then after verbally expressing my apologies for bursting in a shared space due to my lack of private space, I was given the gift of allowance to do whatever it is I needed to do. "Go for a walk, go to your room, whatever." And so I did.

I walked straight up the stairs to my room, shut the door, layed in bed, and I cried. I sobbed. I whimpered. I curled up on a ball, hugged my pillow, and stayed there, in my workout clothes still on from my 7am yoga class. I stayed until my "housemate" awoke me about 2 hours later by bringing me my glasses and my cell phone. I pretended to stay asleep, but it still woke up my mind. I did not want that cell phone by me. Those 2 hours of separation was glorious. Just me time. No one else. Just me. No direct connection to anyway else. To communication. Just me. My thoughts. My tears. My sweat. My heart.

Since those "tip toes" that aroused me from my feigned slumber, I have been unable to return to that sacred place. My neck hurts. A lot. I have no more muscle relaxers. I can't take pain pills. There is no alcohol in the house I can drink. I may have one last resort, but is rather not partake. I'm also starving. I haven't eaten a meal in more than 10 hrs. Since then I've had tea and berries.

I appreciate the times when I am too upset, too sad, to eat. It's such an outrageous rarity for me that it makes me feel alive. Reminds me that I do have a deep heart that aches so bad no comfort will suffice. Alas, eventually I am subdued by my weakness.

Will I sleep tonight? I honestly doubt it. I even did attempt to go to the liquor store or the bar across the street. After walking slowly passed the bar to peer in the window and take a gander at tonight's local clientele, I opted for a bottle of something to take home. Unfortunately, the liquor store had closed shop for the night. And I just couldn't drag myself into that bar. I do have beers here, and maybe I'll have to succumb, but again, I'd prefer not to.

For now, I'll go distract my mind for a bit. Take a break and give in. We'll see what happens after that.