I found something special

I haven't written in an incredibly long amount of time. Well about a week. Well, I haven't posted on here in a week. It feels like much longer because of the massive amount of things I accomplished and experienced in this last week.

Thing is, I was honestly just too busy and too tired, and having too much fun, to write. I did write in my journal a few times, but even though I had access to computers and keyboards (yes multiple) I didn't want to spend any additional time in front of the screen and typing away because a large chunk of my week actually was on the computer. There's too much to go into what I actually did. Maybe I'll get into it a bit. We'll see where my mind takes me. But really, per usual, it's time to talk about the feelings.

Have you ever broken up with someone for a new partner, or just to be single, only to realize how much you really enjoyed your ex? Sometimes walking away is all you need in order to realize how good of a fit you were, and the qualities that person has, or regards as highly, being the same as the qualities that you regard highly? What I'm currently experiencing is different but feels quite similar.

I can't stop thinking about the projects we were working on. I miss having the freedom to cook whatever I please, whether for myself or for us both and the flexibility thatbi could be creative with what I cook! I miss simply cooking for someone else. I miss siting at the table and sharing a meal. Morning coffees. Daily routines. I miss the passion. The purpose and the goals that were so much more than just be a successful business, but save lives. But I think what I miss the most is feeling useful - feeling and knowing that my skills and my knowledge are helping someone else. Bringing them joy, giving them ideas, making the day easier and smoother or a least not productive. There is a difference between being appreciate through words and actually feeling the appreciation. Feeling internally that what you are doing is good. Getting great ideas, expressing them, and those ideas actually being considered and deeply listened to! Not ignored. Not fought against. I miss having someone whose not giving me gluten only options for every single meal!!! The exact opposite actually! I miss a lot. I even miss the laughs. I miss the dogs, all of them, and the asshole cat.

I am currently sitting on a giant ridiculously comfy bed, in a room that is all mine, complete with closet, hangers and clean full length, real towels. This is nice. But is it worth it? I'm also in a town that I really enjoyed last year. It has personality and fun shops and beautiful views. I can walk into town. But is it worth it? I find myself uncomfortable with hearing cars driving by constantly, having neighbors, and not seeing luscious green nature all around, mixed in with beuaitufl birds or sheep. I had this for two straight weeks.

So now, I'm in a conundrum. I had originally planned to stay here in Oamaru for a week, then head onto Queenstown for my last few days. I wanted to live in Oamaru and get to know the locals and feel like a local. But now I...feel silly saying this "outloud"...I want to live on the farm in Balclutha, get to know the family, and maybe some locals, and the people in Dunedin, and feel like a local there.

" You can always turn around." I'm pretty sure I've brought up this quote before. At leat the night of or the day after my mother told me this on the phone while I was road tripping around the U.S. I can't get these words out of my head. And I get get the place I'd turn around to out of my head. What's holding me back? Maybe the fear of missing out on what I could experience here. I could learn gardening skills. But will I really get enough in just a few days? Probably not. I need to just join a community garden where I move to, start my own garden, and do some reading. What about being a local in Oamaru? Well I heard that the locals don't come out of their house much and that it's mainly kept alive by tourists. Maybe that's not true. Not sure. What about cool events here? Music, brewery...I dunno. Well I've decided before I can get music anywhere and it doesn't sound like stuff happens that often. Plus Dunedin has a music scene. There is even a show on the 10th I'd go to. What else? Don't know. 

Anything could happen anywhere. Including Balclutha. And Monterey. Tahoe. Austin.

It'll all be good. I've been carving out what I enjoy the most and what is important for me to have in my life. And I'm getting closer and closer everyday. What if I go back and decide I'm done with it? Well, no biggy. I head to Queenstown then, or who knows where else. People can think I'm crazy and indecisive and lost. That's fine. Think whatever you want - whatever makes you happy. But all I'm trying to do is follow my feelings - follow where I feel good and happy and productive and... right. One day at a time. It might add up to a lot of money bouncing back and forth and maybe it make me less stationary than I'd like, but it's impossible to pick how you'll feel somewhere and doing something. And if you have the freedom to change course you should! I'm not locked into anything. I still have two weeks left. Two weeks of discovery in New Zealand. Two weeks on my own to do whatever my little heart desires.

Lightbulb - I can work for a food company, work at farmer's markets, make pasta and join community gardens anywhere. I can't live and work on a sheep farm and help an incredible start-up that is life saving with people who are talented, smart, and fun. I mean the matter hopefully is possible, but not guaranteed. I found something special and I'm not ready to let it go.

Here's hoping I can sort it out, that I'm still welcomed back as said previously, that my current hosts aren't upset but rather understanding, and that I don't regret the decision. Oh yeah and I'll have to find transportation back. Hah!

I believe in him and I believe in what he's doing and what his goals are. That's pretty big. Maybe it'll change but for now I need to go with it if I can.