You're going back

So...

I decided to turn around.

I made the decision all on my own. I listened to my body - how I was feeling. I listened to my mind - what I  was thinking about.

I felt, uncomfortable. Although the words said, "make yourself at home," I did not feel like I could. I tried. I tried to make conversation, and it was...okay. But there were so many pauses and blank stares. It didn't flow. I didn't feel enthusiasm or love or appreciation. I know it was there mentally, but the energy wasn't there. I wanted to be in my room most of the time. I felt...awkward. A lot.

I continued to think about the other things I could be doing, with the people I had met in the last week, and all the events going on with the start-up  I...well I realized I ended up consulting for a bit. How could I stay somewhere I didn't feel right in, when I knew there were all these other fun things I could be doing, that challenged me  mentally, with people whose energy resonated with mine, and that could potentially help fuel my career?

Well, I couldn't. So, I'm going back. I'm alredy half way there. Just got into Dunedin and already fe vastly more welcomed and comfortable. I'm excited to get to know my host better because he seems to have quite the intriguing life. "You've got it all figured out, aye?" I said after my self guided tour of his mindblowig home, and him informing me he built it with his family. "Yeah, I try," he humbly responded.

I wanted to find a song to express my chnage in plans, and one of the faves from my "thumbs up" playlist on Good Play pooped in my head.

https://youtu.be/BqXnzqB1sik

But I hope you could hear
All the screams from the forest
All the ghosts in the trees
And the love of a dog
Let us float in the tears
Let us cry from the laughters
When it's not for some sake
And the city's not near

Well now, you're going back
You're going back, you're going back

These lines, to me, poetically remind me of the wonderful farm in Balclutha.

"All the screams from the forest," are the lambs' and the sheeps' calls that became second nature to my ears. This became obviously so when I was wandering through the botanical gardens of Oamaru yesterday evening and heard a comforting familiar sound come from the hilltop head. Aw, there's a sheep here!

"All the ghosts in the trees," are the various birds chattering in the morning time. On the first full day of my travels this trip, the man leading our Meetup.com hike expressed that when he sees two of a certain bird he knows it's his parents checking in on him. I have a magpie on my left forearm commemorating my mother, our last wonderful day together, and to remind me to keep moving forward, determined, soaring through life, as she always encouraged and inspire me to do.

"And the love of a dog." Okay this is just simple because there are four dogs on the farm - three workers and one pet. And I love them all. It was so sweet to have dogs to pet and feed and have run at you and smile and sit and all those lovely things dogs do. Such wonderful companions. Definitely wanting to get my own more and more, but we'll see where I end up.

"Let us float in the tears." I found the farm to be very therapeutic and healing. Firstly, there is a vast collection of books to read that are exactly what I want and need to be reading. In addition, my host and I shared some fairly personal conversations about our struggles in the last year. I'll never forget many of the things my mom said on that last lovely day we had together. It was a Tuesday, two days before...the day. That Tuesday was the day I saw the magpie. It was the day my mom told me her and my dad had a goat named Henry that would watch TV with them. The day she told me her and Aunt Tanya would skip school and get drunk at the bloody bucket. It was also the day I said, "I think I might enjoy living on a farm." To which she instantly replied, without a filter because she no longer had it so this was pure honesty, "I hope that you do."

"Let us cry from the laughters." Well, we lauged a lot. We laughed at each other and with each other. It felt like I was a flat mate and the first time I got to be part of such a community since college really! The asshole cat, not noticing nationality or height, foot races, naïveté, poor dating choices. It just goes on and on. I look forward to all the laughs ahead.

"When it's not for some sake," is an interesting line to describe the energy and presence and goals, I believe. Even just cooking meals. Selfless behavior really embodied. Living, being in the moment, going with the flow, spontaneous discussions.

"And the city's not near." This is simple - it's a country town on a farm. The city is not near. An hour away actually. It was a bit jarring staying two nights on a busy street in Oamaru because I realized for two straight weeks I hadn't slept somewhere that cars drive by or had any neighbors at all. I like that. A lot. I want to soak in as much of that as I can before I head back and hopefully it will be the setup of my own home in the near or distant as well.

Well now, you're going back
You're going back, you're going back

Indeed. I am.

Cheers,
Natasha

P.S. Even though it wasn't the right fit, I did have a great time making pasta and seeking atthe  farmer's market in Oamaru. Photos below! 

I particularly love the last one where most o the yellow flower is out of focus - the part I was looking at was out of focus. However, my camera decided to peak through the foreground and focus on the background. Turns out, that part is just as, or even more, amazing as what I wanted to focus on. Sometimes we miss out on what we should be paying attention to because we are distracted by what's right in front of us. Eventually, hopefully, it comes into focus.