Just keep swimming

I would have thought that talking about my most gravitating experience in New Zealand would make me feel normal...alive..for a few minutes. However, moments still sauntered by on a reel of film tape. Myself, unattached to each frame as it passed into view.

I do feel normal sometimes. But so far, only when I'm playing my ukulele. I've started learning a legitimate song, and if I got just maybe a straight hour in of practicing by myself, plus a little confidence, I think I'd have it down. And then, to learn the words! It's very fun, exciting, and challenging. And surprisingly, also physically tiring. I've already started a list of songs I want to learn and I am sure that list will only continue to grow rapidly as I get better at playing.

I know I haven't told you all yet what is going on in my life to cause this strange feeling of being in a constant dream like state. I don't want to. Not yet at least. I don't want to answer all the emails and texts, rolling out the whole story again and again. I appreciate the love and concern, but it's tiring. Don't get me wrong, it's always nice to know when someone is thinking of you, but sometimes you just need a little room to breath.

"Do whatever it is you need to do to keep breathing."

One of my best friends demanded this of me after I confided in her. I've used it as a guide day to day. "What do you need to do today to be at least a little happy?" Play ukulele, cook, get outside and see something beautiful...repeat. Sometimes, I need to be held. Sometimes, I need to email someone with much more detail in my life and way quicker of a response than maybe I should to maintain communication. But, it's what I needed to do.  And then sometimes, I just need to be alone. It might not sound healthy or happy, but it sure does do the trick a lot.

Have you ever listened to an old voicemail recording from someone you haven't heard from in a long time? It's always nice to hear their voice, and kind of makes you miss them, right? Or watching home movies of someone who has passed away. Well, today I listened to just a voicemail greeting message, and thought, "well that sounds like her again." It was shocking how nice it was to simply listen to a voicemail greeting!

Sometimes I sleep for 12 hours. Sometimes I sleep for two. There's times when I need to be alone, and times I need to be with you. My pounding heart I feel almost every waking minute. My life crushing forward without me actually in it.

I could tell you about some incredible friends, both near and far, that have been here for me almost every hour of every day. It is incredibly touching and beautiful to see another person respond with such compassion, love, and sacrifice. But, I just don't really want to think about the variety of responses and time provided to me amongst my friends. It is interesting, but at this current juncture, so unimportant to me. If anything, it would distract me and make me dwell on the negative. I will appreciate every individual message, and soak up every ounce of love being poured out. Hopefully those that make me feel wrapped up in their arms, simply by their words, know how important their care is to me.

Most people don't understand my turmoil. And I am not going to understand anyone else's, exactly, that is going through this now with me, or has with another in the past. That's hard. Not being understood. And I don't want to explain it. I just feel I need people who saw the light in my eyes. Who watched me float across the sandy beaches. Who saw me at my worse - drenched from rain, sick, injured, late at night, early before dawn, exhausted, yet so energized with life. Those that heard my voice speed at a mile a minute telling stories. Those that studied my photos. Those that held my hand or hugged me, or just said, "I hope we cross paths again."

Tomorrow is the start of a new year. But my new year was already started. I know I can see the positive in everything. I know a lot of good will come of this. I know this is a new journey. However, all that doesn't make this easy. Doesn't make it exciting. Doesn't make it feel right.

How will I ring in the new year? A house party with friends? That's easy. Live music at a tiny bar with mostly strangers? Well, of course I'd love that. Ukulele and bottle of champagne by myself? Yeah, that just might be the ticket.