What's right?

"Are you rich?"

What a strange question to be asked. Actually, I appreciate the honesty. And I guess not that strange. There's a lot of people I have met that I assume are rich. But one never asks. Or, if I did, it would not be so direct.

Anyway...

I am lying in a hammock right now. To my right, is an amazing view of the ocean, specifically of the Endeavour Inlet along the Queen Charlotte Track, in Marlborough Sounds. To my left is my tent. Night #4 in a row sleeping in my tent. I love it!

Today, I did not want to hike. I wanted to continue lying in my snuggly sleeping bag,  in my wonderful tent, on the grass lawn of Tombstone Backpackers...until they kicked me out. But, as if I were a robot, or a minion going through it's routine without thought, I sat up, changed into my hiking clothes, took down my tent, packed my bags, had brekky and a cuppa, and got in the van.  Tears did well up in my eyes when the hostel host asked if I was okay, but I just nodded and continued on, being sure to ask to reserve the tent site again for Wednesday when I return.

I took a lot of breaks today and I ate a lot. I am rationing out everything accordingly, except for those dang nuts. So good. And I got our favorite mix cashews, almonds, dried cranberries and the added pistachios. Nums. My hunger stemming from a combination of a very much wanted distraction, and it being "that time of the month."

All day, I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to see other hikers with their tiny day packs or plastic bags in hand. I didn't want to hear other languages. I came here to hike out in nature. I want to be alone, like we have had in California and Colorado hiking. Eventually I got my wish, after stopping so many times and getting to the private accommodation part of the track. I also stopped at a tiny beach to enjoy a ginger beer and some tanning! While laying there, soaking up the rays, I just didn't want to get up. I just did not want to hike today. But, I must!

Okay I could tell you about this amazing camp that turned up. Yeah it's on the map and all but no one mentioned it to me. I saw a sign, I read the brochure, and my legs just started walking down the path. Greeted my a lovely kiwi gentleman, Tony, I explained where I came from, where I was headed and what I was hoping for. After he showed me the jetty and pointed to the private beach, I was in. It's just what I need. Quiet. Solitude. Water. A hammock.

Once again, I don't want to leave. I'd love to just hide out here for a few days and write. Actually, I've been contemplating finding a spot for two days, and doing nothing but writing. This could work. But not today. Not when I want access to my phone at all times.

Still every time I think about those two words that were uttered yesterday, I feel again as though I am in a dream. I haven't come to any new conclusions or come to reality. The only thing that feels clear is that I do want to go back to Big Bay. I need to ask for the opportunity again. I just have to. But then I got back to thinking, what if I need to leave?

So nothing is clear. I wanted to hike to clear my head. Get out in nature, away from people and things, and just think. Just be. I thought about maybe finding a beach in California I could camp out at and surf - maybe Santa Cruz. Or just going to Tahoe or Aspen and snowboarding and writing. But that doesn't sound right. I don't know what does. Even being out here, in such a ridiculously beautiful place, it's harder to enjoy it. I feel selfish now. I'm out here, surrounded by views that continually look so good they look fake, and others are struggling and going through...not fun stuff. Is it fair? Is it right? Why can't I just bring you here?!?

Sell my couch. Sell my car. Whatever. I don't want them. I don't need them. They are backup for a reason, and now we have one.