Untitled

No, that's really the title, not a mistake.

I can't sum up what I'm feeling right now into a title, so I'm just not going to pretend and try.

My eyes are puffy and they sting. I've been walking around in a daze for a few hours now.  When I am not so deeply distracted with distracting myself from my feelings - when I almost ate through about half a jar of peanut butter (although a small one) - salty water fills my eyes and begin to roll down my cheeks.

Have you ever felt like you were living in a dream? Like the current moment isn't really happening, but you are watching from above and eventually you'll wake up? Those around you put there eyes on you, but they don't really see you. Not really. Almost as if you're a ghost.
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I have. This is the second time I can remember - off the top of my head - where I have experienced this. This...Fog...Out of body...Disbelief that the current realty is real at all. Stronger belief - or at least a hope - that in a few minutes I'll wake up and my life will go back to how it was before the news.

Now don't freak out y'all. Please don't make assumptions, jump to conclusions, or think that I have no optimism in this situation. But there are some serious experiences going on in this brain, heart and body of mine, and thus I must reflect. Plus, I need to figure out what the hell I am going to do about it all.

Wow. Actually my thoughts and feelings are so intense right now there are some things I don't even want to write here. Shocking right? Me holding back a bit!

Would a hug help? Not sure. Being in a hostel in a town I've never been to, where I'm a solo tenter outside, and going through a tough time...perfect aye?!? It's reminiscent of the Vipassana meditation course. I cry, am torn up, exhausted, in my head. And there is no one to talk to. No one to hug me. No one to grab a drink with. At least then there were people who would sit next to me, and although no words were exchanged, I felt the love. Here? Maybe. Mostly people are in their own world. And maybe someone else is going through something similar. Surely there are others going through tough times. I wish I could be there for them.

When the news was being unraveled to me via Google Hangout, I noticed my mind quickly shooting around to who I could possibly reach out to for some comfort  (in addition to the numerous questions I hammered out throughout the conversation). I was trying to hold back the tears, because I, of course, have to be strong. Especially, in front of my family. Especially, when I am traveling alone in another country. But, that doesn't mean I can't run to someone else, right? Who is in this country that could give me a good hug? Well, there's two people who are unreachable because there are on a track or mountain. Others who are just out of reach a few towns away. And a few more who probably don't want, or can't, be that type of person in my life. There are different types and levels of friends, and I can't ask for comfort from just any of them.

It's 9:30 now - well passed my bedtime. My stomach is a mess from my mind distraction binging. I'd like nothing better than to curl into a nice fluffy bed and throw the covers over my head and sleep for about 32 hours. Preferably, with a friend sleeping nearby. However, I'll be in my tent out on the lawn. Alone. And waking up around 6am. Just how I've been doing the last two nights and mornings. Just how I normally like it.

It's still a dream right? Who are all these people? Do they even notice me here? What struggles are they going through? What the hell is that guy saying?!? He sounds like he is making fun of another race and laughing! Wtf?!? Will I wake up feeling different? Can I really get on that boat in the morning and be out of cell phone range for three days? Be by myself for three days? What else would I do? I could just rest. Just sit. Look for more jobs. Or...think about a change of plans.

I wanted to focus on getting my photos uploaded from my camera today. I tried. It was a good distraction. Then I got swept up in trying to find a way to get to some remote campsites in Marlborough Sounds, instead of, or in addition to, the Queen Charlotte Track. Then maybe a few job inquiries. But wait? How can I think about committing to a job if...well, if I might want (or need) to come home.

What is this? What is happening. This is a dream. Obviously. Although...it feels so similar to that one other dream. Last time it seemed that if we just fell asleep, we'd wake up and all would make sense. That didn't happen. We woke up, and the dream was reality.

If you knew what is going on you might think I'm over exaggerating. I'm not sure. All I know is how I am feeling in this moment. And I feel weird. I want to cry. I am crying. I want to curl up. I want to hit the track. I want a hug. I want to be alone. I want a hug! I want to stop crying. I want to remove all that food I ate. I want a whiskey. I want a cuddle...a sweet cuddle. I want my beanie. I'd like to just curl up into this couch and fall asleep. I bet they wouldn't notice. I'm sure they wouldn't really care.

At this point it's probably best if I just sleep. It's all a dream anyway right? My tent will be cozy filled with all of my favorite things - my big purple REI backpack, which I have named Petunia, before even realizing it's a purple flower which can be found in NZ. My Fluffy - aka my red Patagonia down jacket. My beanie - my most important accessory. Warm socks, mid layers, my sleeping bag, sleeping pad. Okay...so clearly all of my comforting things are just the things that keep me warm. How simple.

Of course. Another challenge. Another thing to accept as reality. Another piece of the puzzle. Life. Love. This is it folks. Grab on. Tight. It's a bumpy ride and you should hold what you love close to you - people, places, activities. Twists and turns. Ups and downs. Screams of fright and of happiness. Smooth straightaways. Jerky corners. Fight or flight. Stay or go. Follow your heart and soul. Hope and pray that you don't regret anything. Don't regret anything. Hope and pray.